Refocusing on the Glory of Christ and the Cross

"All God's children singing, 'Glory, glory, hallelujah, he reigns!'"

It's beautiful, isn't it? The lyrics, what they mean? That just happens to be what I'm listening to at the moment, but that really encapsulates everything I am about to say in just a few words. It is the lesson the Lord has been teaching me this past year, and a lesson I hope I am understanding with more depth each and every day.

You see, that the Lord reigns -- and that he not only reigns, but loves US, should rock our worlds every single day!!! And, when we focus on the Lord and his glory, everything else changes. Life is all about Christ and his glory, and nothing else really matters.

With each passing day, I am more aware of eternity and more aware of how brief this life truly is compared to eternity. And because of that, I am slowly noticing my priorities shifting. Daily, hourly and more, the Lord is convicting me of how I am using my time and my resources. And slowly, God is giving me the grace to respond. That reminds me of a quote by C.S. Lewis, the great Christian thinker of the 20th century: "Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither." It's so true!

For, I realize a little more each day that this life is not my own -- I have died, and it is not I who live, but Christ who lives within me. I am reminded constantly that I have been redeemed at a high price. And though I could never adequately repay my Lord, I owe him everything. The money I make, the field I study, the career I intend to pursue, the friendships, the relationships on this earth -- everything.

Surrender, unfortunately, is not preached often enough in our churches. We want to give God just enough so that we can make a difference in the world, just enough so that we can feel better about ourselves. We want to give God most areas of our life, but good heavens, not everything. We are afraid to let go of our families, to trust the Lord to take care of them. We are afraid to truly surrender our finances, for we need to be "wise" with our money, right? We are afraid to surrender relationships in our lives because for some reason, we think that's one area God can't handle.

This year, God in his mercy has helped me to refocus. To refocus on the Author of Life himself, who can pen a story far greater than I ever could for my feeble life. How could I have ever thought I simply needed God's help in life? God forgive me -- I need him to consume my life! All of me, not just part of me!

Slowly, I am learning what it means to surrender, to truly surrender to what the Lord has for my life. One by one, God has revealed to me the things I have placed before him, the idols I have made. He has shown me that academics mean nothing, apart from him. He has shown me that a career feels worthless when he is not absolutely at the core of it, infiltrating every single moment. I was so stubborn that he had to strip away so many things in life that I thought meant everything to show me that he is all I have ever needed and all I will ever need. And when I am truly surrendered to his will, there is life at its fullest. Never have I known so much pain, nor so much joy as I have this past year. For, never have I so realized the depths of my own sin, and never have I so realized the vastness of the Lord's mercy.

The Lord in his grace has brought me to a point where I can truly say that I want what the Lord wants for my life. If that means moving to a different country to work in an orphanage, I will go! If that means pursuing journalism in New York, I will go! If that means working at an old people's home all my life, I will go! If that means being single my whole life, I will, and with joy!

The modern church seems to be missing the message -- the Christian life is not about us, but it is about Christ and his glory! This life is not about our happiness. No, this life is about His glory, and laying our lives down at his feet. That doesn't mean that the Christian life is miserable. No! Indeed, it is the most exciting one imaginable. Does that mean it is easy? No! That means it is joyful. That's the odd thing about the Christian life -- the more you give up, the more you truly have.

This post, I realize, isn't the most organized thing. Oftentimes, when I think about the Lord and how merciful he is, I just get so excited I forget that others can't see my thought process the way I do. :)

The Holy Spirit is giving me a vision for what it looks like to have him completely at the center of everything, and it is a humbling, painful, incredible, joyful process. Humbling and painful because I am so acutely aware of my shortcomings, and incredible and joyful because I have never so experienced his grace or comprehended his greatness. And I think you do need both that pain and joy. For, how can you comprehend the beauty of grace if we do not comprehend the gravity of our sin? But of course we do not dwell on our sin, for that would be wasting the most precious gift of all -- life, which we do not deserve!! So glory, glory, hallelujah, for he reigns, and will forevermore!!!!!

Three books that have inspired me this year (well, the top four -- there are many others):

Your God is too Small, J.B. Phillips

Sacred Singleness, Leslie Ludy

Don't Waste Your Life, John Piper

The Cross-Centered Life, C.J. Mahaney

"Christmas Lights"

The words of Coldplay could not echo more true this year.

When I discovered that song a few weeks ago, it felt as if I had written it myself unknowing. No, I cannot directly relate with everything in the song, obviously. But it just fits so perfectly, the bittersweetness of it all.

There is a reason why I haven't posted anything in three months. Every time I try to write, my thoughts are too dark, too terrible to publish anywhere publicly. Sometimes, I cannot even face the darkness myself. I couldn't possibly share it.

I feel five years older this Christmas. And, oddly, that's not completely a bad thing. But it hasn't been easy. This semester -- and much of this summer -- have felt like hell. And yet, they haven't for one reason. I am more aware now than ever of God's merciful presence and grace. Never before have I been so close to the Lord, so longing to know him more intimately. It's a beautiful thing.

This year has presented more major trials than I could list on two hands. God has broken me, shattered me. He has shattered my strength so that I can do nothing else but find my strength in Him. He has broken my heart, spirit and will so that I might align more beautifully with His.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Christmas is so bittersweet this year. The message of hope offered in Christ has never brought me more excitement than now, as I have never understood so clearly the gravity of my sin. Never before have I been so thrilled daily to remember that, on my worst day, I am a child of the King. That truth has never meant so much to me. God had to strip me of everything else to make me realize how priceless that is and how all else pails in comparison.

Even His blessings I had made into mini gods. Oh, how wrong that was. I am ashamed to say that it took me achieving everything and more that I had ever hoped for to realize how empty it all was. That journalism, in which God is merely a component, rather than the center, is meaningless. It's interesting to think that most people think I must be so happy and have everything I ever wanted. But when I did, I realized that everything I ever wanted was meaningless because I had failed to invite Christ into every corner of it.

I never thought I would say Ecclesiastes is a favorite book of mine. Truth be told, I'm not sure I had ever read the entire thing before this year. But as I read, I couldn't help but highlight almost every other verse and scribble notes in all the margins.

But this Christmas, I will read Ecclesiastes along with the story of Christ's birth, and feel the anguish and the hope of both stories. I realize now that it's OK to feel the darkness -- as long as you don't lose sight of the light.

So, this Christmas will be a bittersweet one. I've grown up since last Christmas. And I don't think I would have recognized myself now back then. But there is one message that never changes, and that is the hope offered in Christ, through the miraculous birth of a child who would save the earth from eternal despair.

I now know true joy, joy that does not depend on circumstances or any earthly thing. No, true joy is rooted in Christ and no one and nothing else. The light offered in Christ is the light that truly shines on, Coldplay.

These are dark days

These are dark days. Days when the bright blue sky seems to mock my existence. I'll say later briefly what I mean.

I'm about a month into my senior year, and I have never felt less stressed than I am right now. Somehow, a full load of units and being the editor-in-chief of a campus newspaper isn't as demanding as I thought it would be -- at least not yet. I very well may be eating my words in the future. But for now at least, I don't feel as if every second of every minute of my day has to be planned. I actually eat meals with friends on a regular basis. And stop to talk to people. And let myself sleep in past 7 a.m. sharp.

The longer I'm in college and pursue what I want to do with the rest of my life, the more I realize how crucial it is that I learn to slow down, put things in perspective and make time for relationships. I was just thinking the other day of how I can imagine myself if I don't learn to slow down just a bit. I can picture myself with an utterly successful career, having everything I ever wanted in the field of journalism. And I can picture myself completely alone because I didn't make time for people like I should have. It's a bleak and unsettling image. And it's one I want to avoid.

So, I'm striving to become "normal." Or at least, I'm striving to become somewhat normal. I know that if I let my drive and aspirations take over all my time that should have been directed towards God and people, I will end up completely empty on the inside.

At the same time, I'm trying to stay completely sane amid the pressure. To be perfectly transparent -- well at least somewhat transparent -- I feel as if most people at Biola seem to know me only by my title. I have a few close friends who just know me as Katie, and I'm more grateful for them than they could realize. But the majority of people, especially in journalism settings, only know me for what I do, not for who I am.

There's a constant pressure to live up to some standard or criteria that comes from everyone from professors to classmates. I'm always the first expected to know the answer to a question. Expected to be some authority on whatever topic comes up at the time. Expected to always know what to do. Most of the time, rising to the occasion doesn't phase me. But every now and then, I wish I wasn't expected to know the answer. I wish I could just hide in the corner and not be noticed. But I can't do that. People need me to be strong.

It wouldn't be nearly as big of a deal if there weren't about five very big things going on in my life that cause me hurt everyday. People think my life is perfect. I've had people tell me they want to learn how to be just like me. Sure, it's a nice little ego boost, but if they only knew half of the burdens on my life right now, they wouldn't trade their lives with mine for anything. My life is far from perfect right now. If people only knew.

I don't have any solutions to this post. There's no nice little resolution summary. There is only a prayer. A prayer to God to help me order my life rightly and to stay strong when everything is shattered. These are dark days.

From academia to the real world

And so, I have officially begun my final year of university.

I never thought I would feel ready to graduate -- to leave this campus and these people. But I honestly think I will be. After working, doing what I love, all summer, returning the the world of academia is frustrating to say the very least.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy academics. But I enjoy employment more. And once again, I have to divide my time between what I love -- actually practicing journalism -- and studying it. And I know what takes priority each time. And my GPA, I know, will reflect my priorities.

But over the past two years, my concern for an impeccable GPA has diminished to essentially nothing. A pretty GPA is nice, but it isn't practical without a solid resume.

All my life, it feels like I've been prepping for the next step up in academic. In grade school, the next grade. Then junior high. Then high school. Then -- the big one -- college! But now, college is coming to a close. And the real world is what I have to be ready for now.

I'm just hoping I can put enough emphasis on my classes to learn what I need to prepare me for that.

College has been a blessing. A privilege. But I must say I'm thankful I only have to wait one year instead of two before marching across that stage on a sweltering Saturday in May to receive my fake Biola University diploma.

Bingo: Inspiration

After touring the L.A. Times today and hearing from the blog editor about how vital it is to keep an updated blog, I decided to start posting again.

The thing is, after a few months, I hardly know where to begin.

Summer felt like watching God create a beautiful tapestry that I never would have pictured by myself. He worked out the details, each and every one of them, from my rooming situation to post-graduation employment.

I never expected to have the privilege of interviewing Newt Gingrich, getting a position at a paper in Santa Barbara next summer, or meeting some of the finest reporters I have ever known.

But all that pails in comparison to the way the Lord used this summer to shatter my pride and my stubbornness and transform my self-centered heart and short-sighted mind.

There were several factors in this awesome renewal God blessed me with this summer, three of them being my church, my accountability partner and John Piper's Don't Waste Your Life.

The brevity of life has always shaken me, but never enough to actually change me. This time, I pray, is different.

The people at Capitol Hill Baptist Church were the best examples I have ever met of truly Christ-reflecting Christians. And the solid, theology-packed sermons, which often lasted nearly two hours, left me hungry for more always.

God is good. We say it all the time. But this summer, I experienced His goodness more than possibly ever before. Never before have I been so aware of my depravity. And never before have I been so aware of how sweet my salvation from that depravity is. I am saved into the Kingdom of God. It's so simple. And so earth-shatteringingly profound.

Why do I not wake up each morning overwhelmed all over again? I'm beginning to more. But I know that even now, closer to my sweet Savior than perhaps ever before, my feeble self can only grasp a sliver of that joy.

This year will push me to my limits. I can already tell. Spiritually. Physically. Academically. You name it. But I have found that it is only when I have reached the end of my self that the glory of God is revealed. For His strength is perfect in my weakness.

If it is in my most challenging times that God reveals Himself most to myself and to those around me, I pray to God to keep me clinging to Him for strength.

There's no excuse for this

Meaning, my lack of blogging in the past month.

Sure, I was busy with that book project, but when am I not busy? Sometimes, I worry that I'm so busy, that perhaps, I'm letting the important things in life pass me by. And I don't mean entering blog posts. 

Tonight, as a spur-of-the-moment thing, I drove through a graveyard. Weird, I know. But then again, is that honestly any more bizarre than the odd things I normally do? 

It got me to thinking: I'm not going to live forever. Yes, I know that my existence is finite. It's not unlimited. But it's an easy thing to forget when you're 19 and life seems full of prospects and promise. When opportunities seem limitless. 

But in reality, this life is like "a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes" (James 4:14). 

This life is a gift. This breath is a gift. Why can't I just remember that? 

I was reading Ecclesiates 3 this weekend, and it hit me all over again. The fleetingness, the futility of this life. The only life worth living is the life that is not only examined, but given way. It's the life that's sacrificed. It's the life that doesn't live for itself. 

Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything

 There is a time for everything, 
       and a season for every activity under heaven:

 a time to be born and a time to die, 
       a time to plant and a time to uproot,

 a time to kill and a time to heal, 
       a time to tear down and a time to build,

 a time to weep and a time to laugh, 
       a time to mourn and a time to dance,

 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, 
       a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

 a time to search and a time to give up, 
       a time to keep and a time to throw away,

 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend, 
       a time to be silent and a time to speak,

 a time to love and a time to hate, 
       a time for war and a time for peace.

 What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.

 Whatever is has already been, 
       and what will be has been before; 
       and God will call the past to account. 

 And I saw something else under the sun: 
       In the place of judgment—wickedness was there, 
       in the place of justice—wickedness was there.

I thought in my heart, 
       "God will bring to judgment 
       both the righteous and the wicked, 
       for there will be a time for every activity, 
       a time for every deed."

 I also thought, "As for men, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals. Man's fate is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath; man has no advantage over the animal. Everything is meaningless. All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. Who knows if the spirit of man rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?"

 So I saw that there is nothing better for a man than to enjoy his work, because that is his lot. For who can bring him to see what will happen after him?

I finally get it now: I need God.

So I really should be working on research right now. And believe me, I will. But I have to write about something else at the moment.

I'll try to keep a somewhat steady blog up over the next three weeks. They'll likely be just very brief postings. But I'll try.

Okay, where to even begin. This class is promising and proving already that it will stretch me in just about every possible way. Academically. Professionally. Emotionally. Spiritually. Physically. Psychologically, maybe. 

The more I know what I have to do, the more difficult it is. But the more I know what I have to do, the more reassuring it is. 

Perhaps, one reason why I believe journalism has grown my relationship with God more than perhaps anything else is because of this very reason – it has forced me to the point where I cannot do things on my own. I'm incapable of accomplishing what's at hand on my own. And I'm scared. Journalism, and this course will be no exception, has pushed me to the limits of my own capabilities, talents and comfort. 

The task is too exhausting.

But God.

The work load too demanding.

But God.

The contacts too inaccessible, too frightening.

But God.

The information is too overwhelming.

But God.

I'm breaking.

But God.

I feel alone in this.

But God.

I am utterly and totally worthless and incapable.

But God.

For nonbelievers, this realization that they need God can bring about salvation. I, on the other hand, have been raised in a Christian environment my entire life. God was just always there. Never have I in the 18 years of my life up to last year realized this desperate, all-consuming need for him as I have in the past year.

I vividly recall, in August of 2008, just before coming to Biola, crying out to God, pleading with him to make me feel a need for him. I wanted to need him. Well, I wanted to feel that need for him. Of course, I've always known that I need God. But never have I felt that need so violently as in the past year.

Perhaps, journalism. This profession. This calling, if you will, is an answer to that prayer. 

I've never thought of it that way before. Before this very moment, actually.

I need God.

I need him each and every day. Wow, that's becoming so much more apparent. Wow, that's becoming so much more lucid. As I come across things I can't conquer in my feeble human capacity.

It becomes ever clearer to me how God is chipping away at my arrogant independence. For that's really what my independence boils down to, it seems. Arrogance. Pride. 

As I mentioned earlier in a different blog, I'm realizing my need for people. But so much more importantly, I'm feeling that need, that desperate, heart-twisting, agonizing need for a Savior.

I really don't know how non-Christians do it. I really, really don't. Without my faith, I am truly lost.

Not quite sure what to say next. Oh, I could ramble on and on about just about anything. Even other important things. But I can't.

I hate time, sometimes. 

Such an infuriating, inflexible dictator he plays.