I finally get it now: I need God.

So I really should be working on research right now. And believe me, I will. But I have to write about something else at the moment.

I'll try to keep a somewhat steady blog up over the next three weeks. They'll likely be just very brief postings. But I'll try.

Okay, where to even begin. This class is promising and proving already that it will stretch me in just about every possible way. Academically. Professionally. Emotionally. Spiritually. Physically. Psychologically, maybe. 

The more I know what I have to do, the more difficult it is. But the more I know what I have to do, the more reassuring it is. 

Perhaps, one reason why I believe journalism has grown my relationship with God more than perhaps anything else is because of this very reason – it has forced me to the point where I cannot do things on my own. I'm incapable of accomplishing what's at hand on my own. And I'm scared. Journalism, and this course will be no exception, has pushed me to the limits of my own capabilities, talents and comfort. 

The task is too exhausting.

But God.

The work load too demanding.

But God.

The contacts too inaccessible, too frightening.

But God.

The information is too overwhelming.

But God.

I'm breaking.

But God.

I feel alone in this.

But God.

I am utterly and totally worthless and incapable.

But God.

For nonbelievers, this realization that they need God can bring about salvation. I, on the other hand, have been raised in a Christian environment my entire life. God was just always there. Never have I in the 18 years of my life up to last year realized this desperate, all-consuming need for him as I have in the past year.

I vividly recall, in August of 2008, just before coming to Biola, crying out to God, pleading with him to make me feel a need for him. I wanted to need him. Well, I wanted to feel that need for him. Of course, I've always known that I need God. But never have I felt that need so violently as in the past year.

Perhaps, journalism. This profession. This calling, if you will, is an answer to that prayer. 

I've never thought of it that way before. Before this very moment, actually.

I need God.

I need him each and every day. Wow, that's becoming so much more apparent. Wow, that's becoming so much more lucid. As I come across things I can't conquer in my feeble human capacity.

It becomes ever clearer to me how God is chipping away at my arrogant independence. For that's really what my independence boils down to, it seems. Arrogance. Pride. 

As I mentioned earlier in a different blog, I'm realizing my need for people. But so much more importantly, I'm feeling that need, that desperate, heart-twisting, agonizing need for a Savior.

I really don't know how non-Christians do it. I really, really don't. Without my faith, I am truly lost.

Not quite sure what to say next. Oh, I could ramble on and on about just about anything. Even other important things. But I can't.

I hate time, sometimes. 

Such an infuriating, inflexible dictator he plays.