These are dark days

These are dark days. Days when the bright blue sky seems to mock my existence. I'll say later briefly what I mean.

I'm about a month into my senior year, and I have never felt less stressed than I am right now. Somehow, a full load of units and being the editor-in-chief of a campus newspaper isn't as demanding as I thought it would be -- at least not yet. I very well may be eating my words in the future. But for now at least, I don't feel as if every second of every minute of my day has to be planned. I actually eat meals with friends on a regular basis. And stop to talk to people. And let myself sleep in past 7 a.m. sharp.

The longer I'm in college and pursue what I want to do with the rest of my life, the more I realize how crucial it is that I learn to slow down, put things in perspective and make time for relationships. I was just thinking the other day of how I can imagine myself if I don't learn to slow down just a bit. I can picture myself with an utterly successful career, having everything I ever wanted in the field of journalism. And I can picture myself completely alone because I didn't make time for people like I should have. It's a bleak and unsettling image. And it's one I want to avoid.

So, I'm striving to become "normal." Or at least, I'm striving to become somewhat normal. I know that if I let my drive and aspirations take over all my time that should have been directed towards God and people, I will end up completely empty on the inside.

At the same time, I'm trying to stay completely sane amid the pressure. To be perfectly transparent -- well at least somewhat transparent -- I feel as if most people at Biola seem to know me only by my title. I have a few close friends who just know me as Katie, and I'm more grateful for them than they could realize. But the majority of people, especially in journalism settings, only know me for what I do, not for who I am.

There's a constant pressure to live up to some standard or criteria that comes from everyone from professors to classmates. I'm always the first expected to know the answer to a question. Expected to be some authority on whatever topic comes up at the time. Expected to always know what to do. Most of the time, rising to the occasion doesn't phase me. But every now and then, I wish I wasn't expected to know the answer. I wish I could just hide in the corner and not be noticed. But I can't do that. People need me to be strong.

It wouldn't be nearly as big of a deal if there weren't about five very big things going on in my life that cause me hurt everyday. People think my life is perfect. I've had people tell me they want to learn how to be just like me. Sure, it's a nice little ego boost, but if they only knew half of the burdens on my life right now, they wouldn't trade their lives with mine for anything. My life is far from perfect right now. If people only knew.

I don't have any solutions to this post. There's no nice little resolution summary. There is only a prayer. A prayer to God to help me order my life rightly and to stay strong when everything is shattered. These are dark days.