Wow.
It's so hard to believe. I remember those few days before I came here, jittery with excitement, but also, horribly frightened. Would I fit in? Would I find close friends? Would I be able to handle the coursework, the tests, the pressure? Would I be able to find my niche? Would I make the same mistakes I did in high school, or would I have a more balanced life?
Now, as I look back on the past 16 months of my life, I am overwhelmed with gratitude. God has granted me all that -- and more.
I never would have imagined I'd be at the place I'm at now 16 months ago. God has given me direction and clarity. He's given me ministry and dear friendships. He's given me opportunities and grace.
I've learned through experience what a leap of faith is. That sometimes, you just have to seek to serve God and others in holy love, and that everything else will fall into place. That sometimes, God doesn't give you all the answers.
I've learned that taking time out for God is more important than anything else. To be honest, I hadn't been reading God's Word consistently, every day, since this semester. And it's made all the difference in the world. For the first time in a long time this semester, my walk with God actually feels like a walk. Not a teetering, backsliding sort of motion.
To be honest, at the end of high school, I didn't know where my relationship with God was going. Because it wasn't. The world, for the first time, seemed enticing. And God seemed distant. If it wasn't for Biola. If it wasn't for the people I've met here. If it wasn't for God's overpowering hand of protection, I don't know where I'd be today. By God's grace and mercy, He pulled me from my double-mindedness. One foot was in the world. And one foot was in His Kingdom. But He rescued me when I was too weak to reach out to Him myself. Not to say I'm anywhere near complete and undivided devotion. Not to say I don't mess up. Not by any means. But for the first time in a long time, this past year, I'm not looking back as I try to walk forward.
My major, I think, has been one of the most compelling factors in drawing me closer to God. Journalism. Who would have known that the one field I rejected for so long because I thought it would be selfish to pursue has drawn me closer to my Savior than almost anything else could? Through my studies and my work, God has opened my eyes to see the plight of people around me. To care. To have compassion. To RELY ON HIM because I can't face all those challenges alone. To draw on Him for strength, and nothing and no one else. To see His hand in the world around me. To spend time with Him, because I'm too busy not to. Funny how that works.
I've definitely faced my ups and downs this semester. It's been enriching. It's been exciting. It's been challenging. It's been just plain sad at times. But I find myself running to God first, and nothing and no one else. And that, at least, is an encouraging sign. :)
I've learned about myself. My weaknesses. My quirks. I've learned about my family, and how my upbringing and the example of my parents influences who I am and how I think today. I've learned about others. That some people I've idealized aren't perfect. That some people I've criticized are more pure of heart than I could ever hope to be.
I don't know what the future holds. What the next semester holds. Oh, I have my hopes. I have my ideas. I have my plans. But who knows. My plans aren't necessarily God's. For, as I was reading earlier today, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps" (Proverbs 16:9).
But as I look toward what I think will comprise the next year of my life, to be honest, I'm a little frightened. Ok -- very frightened. Many challenges and tests lie ahead.
I just have to remember that God, who was faithful to me even when I wasn't so faithful to Him, will surely not fail to hold my hand. To not let me fall. To keep me in His perfect will, as I strive more than ever now to seek it. The Lord has been overwhelmingly gracious to me so far. How could I doubt Him now?
Here's to another three semesters of growing by His unfailing goodness. :)
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