There's no excuse for this

Meaning, my lack of blogging in the past month.

Sure, I was busy with that book project, but when am I not busy? Sometimes, I worry that I'm so busy, that perhaps, I'm letting the important things in life pass me by. And I don't mean entering blog posts. 

Tonight, as a spur-of-the-moment thing, I drove through a graveyard. Weird, I know. But then again, is that honestly any more bizarre than the odd things I normally do? 

It got me to thinking: I'm not going to live forever. Yes, I know that my existence is finite. It's not unlimited. But it's an easy thing to forget when you're 19 and life seems full of prospects and promise. When opportunities seem limitless. 

But in reality, this life is like "a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes" (James 4:14). 

This life is a gift. This breath is a gift. Why can't I just remember that? 

I was reading Ecclesiates 3 this weekend, and it hit me all over again. The fleetingness, the futility of this life. The only life worth living is the life that is not only examined, but given way. It's the life that's sacrificed. It's the life that doesn't live for itself. 

Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything

 There is a time for everything, 
       and a season for every activity under heaven:

 a time to be born and a time to die, 
       a time to plant and a time to uproot,

 a time to kill and a time to heal, 
       a time to tear down and a time to build,

 a time to weep and a time to laugh, 
       a time to mourn and a time to dance,

 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, 
       a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

 a time to search and a time to give up, 
       a time to keep and a time to throw away,

 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend, 
       a time to be silent and a time to speak,

 a time to love and a time to hate, 
       a time for war and a time for peace.

 What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.

 Whatever is has already been, 
       and what will be has been before; 
       and God will call the past to account. 

 And I saw something else under the sun: 
       In the place of judgment—wickedness was there, 
       in the place of justice—wickedness was there.

I thought in my heart, 
       "God will bring to judgment 
       both the righteous and the wicked, 
       for there will be a time for every activity, 
       a time for every deed."

 I also thought, "As for men, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals. Man's fate is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath; man has no advantage over the animal. Everything is meaningless. All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. Who knows if the spirit of man rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?"

 So I saw that there is nothing better for a man than to enjoy his work, because that is his lot. For who can bring him to see what will happen after him?

I finally get it now: I need God.

So I really should be working on research right now. And believe me, I will. But I have to write about something else at the moment.

I'll try to keep a somewhat steady blog up over the next three weeks. They'll likely be just very brief postings. But I'll try.

Okay, where to even begin. This class is promising and proving already that it will stretch me in just about every possible way. Academically. Professionally. Emotionally. Spiritually. Physically. Psychologically, maybe. 

The more I know what I have to do, the more difficult it is. But the more I know what I have to do, the more reassuring it is. 

Perhaps, one reason why I believe journalism has grown my relationship with God more than perhaps anything else is because of this very reason – it has forced me to the point where I cannot do things on my own. I'm incapable of accomplishing what's at hand on my own. And I'm scared. Journalism, and this course will be no exception, has pushed me to the limits of my own capabilities, talents and comfort. 

The task is too exhausting.

But God.

The work load too demanding.

But God.

The contacts too inaccessible, too frightening.

But God.

The information is too overwhelming.

But God.

I'm breaking.

But God.

I feel alone in this.

But God.

I am utterly and totally worthless and incapable.

But God.

For nonbelievers, this realization that they need God can bring about salvation. I, on the other hand, have been raised in a Christian environment my entire life. God was just always there. Never have I in the 18 years of my life up to last year realized this desperate, all-consuming need for him as I have in the past year.

I vividly recall, in August of 2008, just before coming to Biola, crying out to God, pleading with him to make me feel a need for him. I wanted to need him. Well, I wanted to feel that need for him. Of course, I've always known that I need God. But never have I felt that need so violently as in the past year.

Perhaps, journalism. This profession. This calling, if you will, is an answer to that prayer. 

I've never thought of it that way before. Before this very moment, actually.

I need God.

I need him each and every day. Wow, that's becoming so much more apparent. Wow, that's becoming so much more lucid. As I come across things I can't conquer in my feeble human capacity.

It becomes ever clearer to me how God is chipping away at my arrogant independence. For that's really what my independence boils down to, it seems. Arrogance. Pride. 

As I mentioned earlier in a different blog, I'm realizing my need for people. But so much more importantly, I'm feeling that need, that desperate, heart-twisting, agonizing need for a Savior.

I really don't know how non-Christians do it. I really, really don't. Without my faith, I am truly lost.

Not quite sure what to say next. Oh, I could ramble on and on about just about anything. Even other important things. But I can't.

I hate time, sometimes. 

Such an infuriating, inflexible dictator he plays.

Musings from 30,000 feet

So I wrote this, but obviously, couldn't publish it, while on the plane yesterday. Please humor my spastic nature:

-------------

January 4, 2010. Who knows when.

What do I do when I'm 30,000 feet above the air with not much to do? Well, write, of course. What else would I do?

I'm not entirely sure what I am going to write here in the next approximately 22 minutes (That's the expected lifetime of this battery charge, according to my screen. Oh, wait – just dropped to 21. Dangit.)

Perhaps the most mentionable worthy piece of information is that, for the first time in seven days, I am looking out upon brown ground. Yes, that's right – there are only splotches of snow. I'm pretty positive we're somewhere above Nebraska right now. That's one state I have yet to visit, or even see from the lovely view inside airport glass.

The cold really wasn't nearly as awful as I expected it to be in Minnesota. As long as you didn't have to stay outside long, that is. This morning at oh, 4 a.m., 2 a.m. L.A. time, my mom took five minutes out in the -6 degree air to gather her belongings. I forgot to bring my mittens. That was pretty bad. I honestly think I let slip a less-than-appropriate word or two out of my trembling, probably blue (although of course, I couldn't see them,) lips. Oh, the times we've had, my mother and I.

I can't even keep track of how many times we managed to get lost (ooh ooh the plane is turning creepily ... my stomach feels weird. Probably has something to do, too, with the fact that I've eaten basically nothing but junk food since yesterday morning. That's what happens when I don't get to run. Pouts) Okay, wow, what was I saying? Okay, well next time we travel to an outside city, I'M driving. I don't care if you have to be 25. I'll break the rules. I don't know if I've ever met anyone with a worse sense of direction than my mother, bless her dear, dear heart. :)

So, longish tale made short, I now have three roundtrip flight passes to anywhere in the continental United States. Actually, I think there are some to Jamaica and other random places, too. Basically, we volunteered to take a later flight to alievite the people clogging. My mom and I thought we were just getting two free roundtrip flights (aha, only >_>), but it turns out we're really getting six. Total. Dang. 

This means well, many things. A friend interning in D.C. this spring invited me to come stay with her and check out the city before I (hopefully!) move there for the summer. Ooh ooh we're landing in Denver now! Ok, got to go now.!!!!

Minneapolis, Minnesota. Late December. 8 degrees.

On the bright side: There's no need to put ice cream in the freezer. The snow piled four feet high is in no danger of melting anytime soon. And coffee tastes 10 times better than it does in SoCal. 

On the not-so-bright side: Severe risk of frost bite if you don't wear mittens to the car. The car doesn't always start right. And that coffee turns into an ice block in the matter of a minute.  

In short: I think I'm going to like it here. I've been to the Twin Cities two times before -- both for weddings. And now, for another wedding. :) But never in the winter. I'm not typically one to embrace the cold. Most of the time, I flat out despise it. But I'm looking at these below freezing temperatures as yet another adventure, something I'm always up for. I'm a SoCal girl, I know. And will probably always be. But I can at least learn to sympathize with those who have to withstand the weather for more than six days and nights.  

Aside from the obvious weather shock, I really do think I am going to like this time. Oh, and did I mention the hotel? Free coffee. Pool open until midnight. Free cookies. FREE WIFI. (Otherwise, I wouldn't be posting this.)  

Still can't believe my cousin is getting married. :) So incredibly happy for her. And not at least a little taken back by the fact that she's just two years older than myself. :) Weird to think about.  

On a completely different note, today was a great reminder of just how many people there are in this world. How insignificant I am. And how incredible God is that He still cares about me.  

Watching people pass down the airport halls. Each with his or her own story. Problems. Hurt. Joys. Families. Friends. Lives. Futures. Maybe they know the Lord. Maybe they don't. Maybe they will come to, and maybe they never will.  

It makes me feel helpless, at times, that there are so many lost people I haven't met. Will never meet. Who I will never be able to reach for Christ. It made me think of that story about the boy who rescues the starfish off the sand and tosses them back into the safety of the waves. Just one at a time. 

Making no difference. Except for that one starfish. And that other one. And that other one. I pray that God would just help me to be a light to whomever I can, when it feels like the world is lost beyond hope.  

But that was really an unintended little rabbit trail. Though I think an important one. I'm grateful for a God who still cares about the happenings and troubles of my life, despite the fact that there are so many people so much more deserving of His care than I am.  

Well, I'd better get a good night's sleep. After last night's adventuring, short sleep and uncomfortable half sleep on the plane, I'm totally wiped.  

Have to be rested for my first-ever bachelorette party tomorrow!! Aha, don't worry -- I'm not. 

To a wintery world of white, goodnight. :)

End of semester reflection

So, as of today, I am officially halfway done with my time here at Biola.

Wow.

It's so hard to believe. I remember those few days before I came here, jittery with excitement, but also, horribly frightened. Would I fit in? Would I find close friends? Would I be able to handle the coursework, the tests, the pressure? Would I be able to find my niche? Would I make the same mistakes I did in high school, or would I have a more balanced life? 

Now, as I look back on the past 16 months of my life, I am overwhelmed with gratitude. God has granted me all that -- and more.

I never would have imagined I'd be at the place I'm at now 16 months ago. God has given me direction and clarity. He's given me ministry and dear friendships. He's given me opportunities and grace. 

I've learned through experience what a leap of faith is. That sometimes, you just have to seek to serve God and others in holy love, and that everything else will fall into place. That sometimes, God doesn't give you all the answers.

I've learned that taking time out for God is more important than anything else. To be honest, I hadn't been reading God's Word consistently, every day, since this semester. And it's made all the difference in the world. For the first time in a long time this semester, my walk with God actually feels like a walk. Not a teetering, backsliding sort of motion. 

To be honest, at the end of high school, I didn't know where my relationship with God was going. Because it wasn't. The world, for the first time, seemed enticing. And God seemed distant. If it wasn't for Biola. If it wasn't for the people I've met here. If it wasn't for God's overpowering hand of protection, I don't know where I'd be today. By God's grace and mercy, He pulled me from my double-mindedness. One foot was in the world. And one foot was in His Kingdom. But He rescued me when I was too weak to reach out to Him myself. Not to say I'm anywhere near complete and undivided devotion. Not to say I don't mess up. Not by any means. But for the first time in a long time, this past year, I'm not looking back as I try to walk forward.

My major, I think, has been one of the most compelling factors in drawing me closer to God. Journalism. Who would have known that the one field I rejected for so long because I thought it would be selfish to pursue has drawn me closer to my Savior than almost anything else could? Through my studies and my work, God has opened my eyes to see the plight of people around me. To care. To have compassion. To RELY ON HIM because I can't face all those challenges alone. To draw on Him for strength, and nothing and no one else. To see His hand in the world around me. To spend time with Him, because I'm too busy not to. Funny how that works.

I've definitely faced my ups and downs this semester. It's been enriching. It's been exciting. It's been challenging. It's been just plain sad at times. But I find myself running to God first, and nothing and no one else. And that, at least, is an encouraging sign. :) 

I've learned about myself. My weaknesses. My quirks. I've learned about my family, and how my upbringing and the example of my parents influences who I am and how I think today. I've learned about others. That some people I've idealized aren't perfect. That some people I've criticized are more pure of heart than I could ever hope to be.

I don't know what the future holds. What the next semester holds. Oh, I have my hopes. I have my ideas. I have my plans. But who knows. My plans aren't necessarily God's. For, as I was reading earlier today, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps" (Proverbs 16:9).

But as I look toward what I think will comprise the next year of my life, to be honest, I'm a little frightened. Ok -- very frightened. Many challenges and tests lie ahead. 

I just have to remember that God, who was faithful to me even when I wasn't so faithful to Him, will surely not fail to hold my hand. To not let me fall. To keep me in His perfect will, as I strive more than ever now to seek it. The Lord has been overwhelmingly gracious to me so far. How could I doubt Him now?

Here's to another three semesters of growing by His unfailing goodness. :)

Some things

Some things you never knew you'd been lacking until you first found them.

Some things make you realize what you'd been missing all along.

Some things make you wonder how you've ever lived without them.

Some things you only realize the blessing of when they're gone.  

The impact of gratitude

So I was thinking today just how much a few words of thanks can mean to a person.

How often do we fail to tell the people who mean so much to us what they mean to us? That we notice their sacrifice, their kidness, their advice? That we treasure not only what they've done, but who they are?

Several people in particular come to my mind who have been pivotal in changing and focusing my life. I had the opportunity to thank one of them today at church. She was completely overcome -- she had no idea what an influence she's had on my dreams and aspirations. How key she has been to get me to where I am today.

And it got me thinking.

What if I did that more often? What if I actually told the people who have invested in my life how thankful I am for them? How I thank our merciful Lord almost each day for them?

Well, that needs to change. This week and the coming weeks, I'm going to let those people know. Who knows -- you might be one of them. :)

Forever under His mercy,

--Katie--